#30 Karma

Blog 30

Today, we have a recurring author, Octavius from Writing.com with a piece titled ‘Karma.’

It’s been six months since Evin transferred here for work. He’s been working hard to collect enough credits for a date at the resort on Tower 7.

We’ve discussed opening paragraphs before and this is a good opportunity to elaborate on a different point about what makes them good. Obviously, a good opening paragraph (in a non-prose sense) is one that makes the readers want to keep reading, but how does one achieve that? By literally making them want something from the book. This can be anything, triumph for your protagonist, catharsis for some wrong or answer to a query, but you have to give it to them first. Not all at once of course, and it’s best to start small or simple so the opening paragraph doesn’t wallow in foreshadowing. (Finding examples of this off the top of my head is difficult.)

Now, with this in mind, look at the opening paragraph above. Ignore the prose and composition (we’ll deal with those momentarily) focus on the content. What does it contain to make the readers keep reading? Nothing. There is no emotional conflict introduced that readers would want resolved, no discrepancy or quandary they don’t understand and would want answered, no comment or description that makes them want to explore further. It doesn’t give the readers something to want other than the strength of its prose, which can work (eloquence can be a compelling attribute) but your prose needs to be excellent.

There is a minor narrative element with Evin trying to collect credits for a date, but why should the readers care about that? The author doesn’t provide a reason, doesn’t provide a negative impact to the character or readers if Evin fails. This is not to say every opening paragraph needs to introduce a potential negative consequence, just those relying on some form of narrative conflict.

Now please don’t take this as me berating the paragraph, that is not my intent, I’m just trying to express what it’s missing. That disclaimer aside, let’s begin with the prose…

Here, the improvements I can see are relatively minor. ‘Transferred’ and ‘here’ are mildly iterative in that ‘transferred’ can stand alone. After that, I take umbrage with the two mentions of him working (‘for work’ and ‘been working hard’). These are both an echo and repetitive; they discuss the same concept in close proximity (technically immediate subsequence) which means they can likely be combined. Here, I would do something like…

— It’s been six months since Evin transferred for work, hoping to collect enough credits for a date at the resort on Tower 7.—

That’s about all for this paragraph.

In this sector, the moon orbits a greenish gas giant. Metal scaffolding and towering structures with blinking red lights surrounds the satellite while various spaceships dock and depart from the ports. Handling a portable yellow and black drill, this lanky, young man wears a yellow spacesuit with bronze gravity boots. He Drills into a rugged surface as his fellow co-workers wearing similar space suits, avoids the debris expel from his machine. Workers haul massive boxes and cylinders to the dump vessel before it levitates away from the moon.

In this second paragraph there is more to work with concerning prose and structure. On the composition level, I dislike how the description of the moon interrupts the description and narrative for Evin; this hurts the story’s flow in both a general sense and an immediate sense. Unfortunately, it’s hard to fix with just a few small alterations due to the amount of information it contains. I think we can get away with linking the moon and Evin more closely with something like…

—It’s been six months since Evin transferred to the primary moon of #####, a green gas giant, for work, hoping to collect enough credits for a date at the resort on Tower 7.—

This serves two purpose: one, mentioning moon and planet in the first sentence defines the story and conveys a significant amount of information eloquently. It also makes Evin’s choice to work more interesting because it locates him in a dangerous and unusual environment that also paints an immediately image for the readers to grab onto, an image familiar enough to grasp while also being unique due to including the gas giant. The mention of ‘in this sector’ is unnecessary because the situation itself conveys that this is a space fairing culture (they’re mining a distant moon and a generally uninhabitable planet.) ‘Primary’ could probably stand to be a different word. The sentence just flowed better with an adjective there, and the ‘moon of’ structure is important because the planet’s name has to immediately precede the description of ‘green gas giant.’

(Second sentence.) Metal scaffolding and towering structures with blinking red lights surrounds the satellite while various spaceships dock and depart from the ports

There are just a few minor changes for the next sentence, mostly to do with ambiguity. I’m not sure if ‘scaffolding’ is appropriate since the sentence structure seems to indicate that its separate from the buildings, which means there’s scaffolding just out there doing nothing. ‘Surround’ is also a little ambiguous since he it conveys the impression that the buildings and whatnot are floating around the moon rather than constructed on it. It also leaves their number vague since ‘surround’ could mean anything so long as they form a circle. Finally, the ‘while’ is a bit off. Here ‘while’ indicates relevance between the two elements it connects, but there’s no relevance immediately visible in the paragraph’s current structure. So, with those things in mind…

— Towering structures with blinking red lights blanket the satellite’s surface while various spaceships frequent its atmosphere and ports.—

‘Blanket’ is a more distinctive adjective, ‘frequent’ conveys the same meaning as ‘dock and depart from,’ and the mention of ‘atmosphere’ indicates the relevant difference between the structures and spaceships in their actions.

(Sentence three.) Handling a portable yellow and black drill, this lanky, young man wears a yellow spacesuit with bronze gravity boots.

There’s little here I dislike from the prose or structure standpoint (just the two uses of yellow) but I’m concerned about how it flows with our previous rewrites…

It’s been six months since Evin transferred to the primary moon of #####, a green gas giant, for work, hoping to collect enough credits for a date at the resort on Tower 7. Towering structures with blinking red lights blanket the satellite’s surface while various spaceships frequent its atmosphere and ports. Handling a portable yellow and black drill, this lanky, young man wears a yellow spacesuit with bronze gravity boots—

 I don’t like how the first sentence flows into the second, or how the second flows into the third. We can fix the first of these two by altering the second sentence’s structure to something more like —The satellite’s surface is blanketed…— which reduces the ‘tower’ echo and the ING echo by varying the sentence composition slightly. For the second and third sentence, I think they read best broken into two paragraphs (which works slightly better here than in the original version because the break happens when we transition from an overview perspective to a present.) With that in mind, I would restructure the third and fourth sentences slightly…

— Handling a portable yellow and black drill, the lanky, young man wears a yellow spacesuit with bronze gravity boots and mines the rugged surface. His co-workers, likewise attired, avoid the expelled debris while hauling massive boxes and cylinders to the dump vessel before it departs the moon.—

I wanted the mining in the first sentence of this new paragraph because it’s what he’s actually doing, whereas previously the main action he was performing was to wear the spacesuit. I deleted ‘from his machine’ as unnecessary, and then combined the last two sentences because the hauling is what they’re actually doing and because it’s more structurally efficient to have both the ancillary action and main action in one sentence as opposed to broken in two.

All edits: It’s been six months since Evin transferred to the primary moon of #####, a green gas giant, for work, hoping to collect enough credits for a date at the resort on Tower 7. The satellite’s surface is blanketed in towering structures with blinking red lights while various spaceships frequent its atmosphere and ports.

Handling a portable yellow and black drill, the lanky, young man wears a yellow spacesuit with bronze gravity boots and mines the rugged surface. His co-workers, likewise attired, avoid the expelled debris while hauling massive boxes and cylinders to the dump vessel before it departs the moon.

For the most part, this reads pretty well. I personally can’t see any more easy fixes; the rhythm for ‘with blinking red lights’ is a little off, and ‘date’ is ambiguous. I also think the ‘before’ is potentially a little suspect, but all told I’m fairly happy.

That’s all.

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