#36 The Journey of a Hero

Blog 36

Today we have a piece titled The Journey of a Hero by Officialkat14. (Though there are some shenanigans afoot as this was uploaded to a friend’s account.)

Paragraph 1

No matter where you look, you always see the same types of people. You have the outcasts, the wealthy, the peacemakers, the peacebreakers, and the in-between, who don’t really have a role. When I look around, all I see is the peacebreakers and outcasts, the ones not good enough to even fit in the middle class. I see these people every day, trying to get by, but not being able to. So…they resort to violence and chaos, the one thing they’re good at and the one thing that makes them happy. It’s like a drug to these people. I always wonder why they even bother, why I bother, but then I realize that we all do this because this is how we were raised, how we survived, and I realize that this is home.

I am bereft of comments concerning the meta aspects of this paragraph, so we shall embark on the technical without further grievance. 

For the first sentence, I am debating about converting ‘no matter where’ to ‘everywhere.’ It’s hard to say which is better as a cold open, but ‘everywhere’ is two words shorter, which does improve the sentence by reducing the number of glue words. After that, I would delete the ‘always’, which is unnecessary since ‘everywhere’ serves to covey it. Then I would combine this with the next sentence and delete ‘you have’. There are two reasons for this: reducing the number of glue/filler words, and because I believe combining the sentences improves the author’s meaning, allowing them to build on one another. This results in—Everywhere you look, you see the same types of people: the outcasts, the wealthy, the peacemakers, the peacebreakers, and those in-between.

I deleted ‘who don’t really have a role’ as unnecessary and a little vague since none of the previous groups were consciously given or acting out a ‘role’. I also considered swapping some of the commas for ‘and’ to give the litany a form of rhythm but couldn’t decide if that outweighed the inevitable echo of those ands. This would resemble —the outcasts and the wealthy, the peacemakers and the peacebreakers, and those in between.—

Another element I would have liked to adjust is the final category, which is rather bland, or rather inactive. The previous categories all carried an element of action, something that conveyed how they existed and what they did. Conversely, the ‘in-between’ doesn’t. It’s un-interactive with the reader, and even if you restore the ‘who had no role’ comment that doesn’t ameliorate the issue I have. The trick to this is making their ‘no role’ feel like a role, and, if we’re lucky, find a way to attach a vague emotional connotation. I have a couple of thoughts…

—…and those just existing/…and those just trying to exist/live—

—…and those caught between them.—

Of these, the ‘and those just existing’ most resembles the author’s original phrasing and is more suited to the ensuing events of this chapter, which discourage the building of empathy. If you want to remain undyingly loyal to the original design, I would still suggest deleting ‘in-between’. The explanation of what that means suffices on its own to convey the author’s point, rendering the preamble unnecessary. (I, as an author, loath the concept of explaining things and try to avoid it whenever possible. So, you can imagine the torment this blog engenders since its mostly just my blundering attempts to explain my thoughts and gut reactions.)

That nonsense aside, our first sentence appears thusly now. — Everywhere you look, you see the same types of people: the outcasts and the wealthy, the peacemakers and the peacebreakers, and those just existing.—

Now, for the third sentence (When I look around, all I see is the peacebreakers and outcasts, the ones not good enough to even fit in the middle class.) I would begin by deleting ‘when I look around’ as unnecessary since its largely implied in ‘see’. Then I would replace ‘is’ with ‘are’ since we’re dealing with two distinct subjects, and delete the ‘the’ as unnecessary and slightly injurious to the rhythm. Then we read our first quandary: the second half of the sentence doesn’t really make sense. The term ‘middle class’ generally refers to one’s financial status, but that has limited relevance to whether someone is a ‘peacebreaker’ or an ‘outcast’ and rarely any relation to how ‘good’ someone is. This, unfortunately, is not something I can correct because I can’t see the missing piece or grasp the author’s end point, I can only suggest we replace the second half of the sentence with the specific word for what the author is describing: destitute/impoverished etc.

— All I see are peacebreakers and outcasts, the destitute ones… (trail off because of mysterious and not remotely predictable reasons.)

Obviously this leaves a very short and incomplete feeling sentence. So I’ll introduce the next sentence (I see these people every day, trying to get by but not being able to.) which is ripe for combination.

Here, again, I would delete the introductory phrase, both because it’s unnecessary and because its belaboring the concept of ‘seeing these people’ which has led every sentence thus far. (This is something you want to avoid, just like you want to avoid using the same word, except this tends to bloat your prose and clog momentum.) After that, I would reduce ‘but not being able to’ to ‘but unable to’. Finally, if I had the choice, I would choose something more specific than ‘get by’, which serves as a ‘cover all bases’ statement but as a result doesn’t really say much. Then we combine the sentences.

— All I see are peacebreakers and outcasts, the destitute ones, people just trying to get by but unable to.—

For something with a bit more bite, we could convert ‘but unable to’ for ‘and failing’. But for now, we advance.

(So…they resort to violence and chaos, the one thing they’re good at and the one thing that makes them happy.)

Here, I would just delete ‘the one thing that’ as unnecessary since the first iteration can serves for both comments. (I might also call the first ‘one thing’ into suspicion since ‘violence’ and ‘chaos’ are two things.)

For the ensuing sentence, (It’s like a drug to these people.)  I would just reduce ‘these people’ to ‘them’ and move on.

Now, we reach the final sentence in this paragraph (I always wonder why they even bother, why I bother, but then I realize that we all do this because this is how we were raised, how we survived, and I realize that this is home.)

Just two changes here to start, first reduce the phrase ‘that we all do this’ to ‘it’s’, and second, change the second ‘realize’ to ‘remember’ because that feels more appropriate for a realization she’s had many times before.

— I always wonder why they even bother, why I bother, but then I realize it’s because this is how we were raised, how we survived, and I remember: this is home. (I added the colon to emphasize the last statement.)

All edits. 

— Everywhere you look, you see the same types of people: the outcasts and the wealthy, the peacemakers and the peacebreakers, and those just existing. All I see are peacebreakers and outcasts, the destitute ones, people just trying to get by and failing. So…they resort to violence and chaos, the two things they’re good at and make them happy. It’s like a drug to them. I always wonder why they even bother, why I bother, but then I realize it’s because this is how we were raised, how we survived, and I remember: this is home.—

This reads alright for the most part, but there are still a few areas of shaky rhythm. The final category in the first sentence for one; transitioning to ands rather than commas gave it rhythm, but it also gave it a pattern the sentence breaks at the end, and this causes dissonance. To fix this we would just want to add another soft category, so it complements the ‘just existing.’ After that, I think the paragraph would benefit from adjusting the ‘All I see…’ sentence to emphasize the first part, making it feel more absolute and thus benefit our main character’s statement. I’m also a little uncertain as to the transition of ‘so…’ and ‘I always wonder.’ I can’t quite figure out what’s off with ‘always wonder’ though. As for the ‘so’ I think I have to revert to ‘but unable to’.

Thus, we’ll try…

—Everywhere you look, you see the same types of people: the outcasts and the wealthy, the peacemakers and the peacebreakers, the lost and those simply existing. All I see are peacebreakers and outcasts, the destitute ones just trying to get by but unable to. So…they resort to violence and chaos, the two things they’re good at and make them happy. It’s like a drug. I usually wonder why they even bother, why I bother, but then I realize it’s because this is how we were raised, how we survived, and I remember: this is home.—

I deleted ‘people’ from the ‘destitute’ sentence as an unnecessary clarification/resumption, but also in an attempt to help the dissonance I hear. I also switched that last ‘always’ for ‘usually’ just because I find it less phonetically off sounding. Unfortunately, the lack of rhythm for ‘I always/I usually’ is still present. Starting a new paragraph cures it, but I don’t know if I want to venture that far from the author’s design. We can also just delete ‘usually/always,’ which I find more amenable.

 —Everywhere you look, you see the same types of people: the outcasts and the wealthy, the peacemakers and the peacebreakers, the lost and those simply existing. All I see are peacebreakers and outcasts, the destitute ones just trying to get by but unable to. So…they resort to violence and chaos, the two things they’re good at and make them happy. It’s like a drug. I wonder why they even bother, why I bother, but then I realize it’s because this is how we were raised, how we survived, and I remember: this is home.—

This reads pretty well in my opinion, and as such, this is where we shall end it.

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If you have something you would like edited, send it to keeganandtristenbooks@gmail.com. I will review it up to a soft cap of 3k words and post a small section to the blog, the rest will be rendered into your auspicious keeping privately.