#22 Phantasy Perspective

Today we have a piece titled Phantasy Perspective by Wizard on Writing.com.

Paragraph 1

Outside, the thunder’s defining roar can be heard forcing the sea to submit to its overbearing might, the rain too can be seen flailing in panic, as if each individual drop were cowering from thunder’s tyranny, and lightning’s world blinding wrath. Twas the blackest of days to be at sea. The dark outside seemingly so endless that it might invade the cosy refuge of the ship’s hull, wherein sat all kinds of folk, from every corner of mystery; slowly being rocked into an uneasy sleep. Some of these folk quivered at the dark worlds might, whilst others paid it no mind, their own troubles seeming far louder. Yet through the darkness, the wizard did not fear, instead he removed a small satchel from around his waist, and upon placing it on the table, removed a red shard. Another crack filled the sky. “Tis but a passing thing” the wizard scoffed, twirling his long grey curls and rubbing his stubble. He began to pour over his little shard in wonder, ignoring the mighty storm outward. For as you will come to know, Farren, for that was his name; was by far the most inquisitive wizard you ever met; not to say that you ever will meet a wizard, for magic died long before the age of the printer. Curiosity he considered his trustworthy ally, though it often got him in trouble; but for once it was not his. A merchant sitting at a table nearby, was attempting to spy on the wizard, in the hopes he presented something ripe for swindling. However, the merchant found that no amount of fidgeting or wriggling in his chair, gave him a vantage point from which to see past the wizard’s cape and long curly hair. The suspense of a tidy profit eventually became too much for the merchant, who throwing all subtlety aside queried the stranger, “A mischievous merchant cannot help but wonder, what secrets does such a bag hide from the eye?”

Due to the size of this paragraph, I’ll break it into sections first. We’ll begin with…

(Outside, the thunder’s defining roar can be heard forcing the sea to submit to its overbearing might, the rain too can be seen flailing in panic, as if each individual drop were cowering from thunder’s tyranny, and lightning’s world blinding wrath.)

The first thing to note is the phrase ‘to its overbearing might’ which is sensationalistic, but also unnecessary. The word ‘submit’ is a strong word, both because of its sound, meaning and general disuse. It is a word about oppression, about dominance, and it conveys these elements far more simply and effectively than the bombastic ‘to its overbearing might.’ There are somethings that benefit from exultant prose, but they are rare and mostly related to a scene or moment that has already laid the foundation for the story and prose to soar. I would delete the phrase. (I also believe the author meant ‘deafening’ not defining.) 

Proceeding from there, the sentence would benefit from a transition between the sea section and the rain. This can either be a period or an ‘and,’ just something because the first part of the sentence is a complete thought and long enough to feel like a complete thought. I’m partial toward the ‘and’ because the continuation allows a buildup of momentum within the scene and storm the period would not.

—Outside, the thunder’s deafening roar can be heard forcing the sea to submit, and even the rain can be seen flailing desperately, as if each drop cowered beneath thunder’s tyranny, and lightning’s world-blinding wrath.—

 A few minor changes: ‘in panic’ to ‘desperately (for the word removal) deleted ‘individual’ (because it was unnecessary for comprehension or rhythm) swapped ‘were’ to ‘was’ (because ‘drop’ is singular) reduced ‘was cowering’ to ‘cowered’ (for the active,) and switched ‘from’ to ‘beneath’ (because I fell ‘beneath’ is more distinctive and more appropriate since tyranny tends to come from above.) Finally, I hyphenated ‘world-blinding’ because that is grammatically correct. (Best way I can describe that rule is if you’re using two words to describe/indicate something singular like ‘black-blue’ as opposed to ‘black and blue.’) 

 But there’s more to note in this sentence, mainly the fact that the author’s describing the rain being oppressed twice. I dislike this because it is inefficient, often unnecessary and/or sensationalistic. Then there’s the mention of the ‘storm’s tyranny’ which is just reiterating the start of the sentence (it’s not necessary for comprehension or rhythm.) With that in mind, I would suggest something a little more like…

—Outside, the thunder’s deafening roar can be heard forcing the sea to submit, and even the rain seems to cower whenever the lightning sparks its world-blinding wrath.—

Obviously far from perfect, but I think it conveys the original sentence’s meaning with less pomp and grandiosity. I don’t like the phrase ‘can be heard forcing’ since that orients the event from the reader’s perspective needlessly, and because it’s merely a buttress phrase setting up the actual verb ‘submit,’ and I don’t like that it takes a round-about way of getting to the author’s point. I would prefer a more straightforward substitution if I could figure out the words and rhythm, something like…

—Outside, thunder oppresses the sea with a deafening roar…—

The problem here is that ‘oppresses’ and its synonyms tend to feel too preemptory. ‘Subjugates’ might work, I’m just not sure.

—Outside, thunder subjugates the sea with a deafening roar, and even the rain seems to cower when the lightning sparks its world-blinding wrath.—

Hard to say if this is a strict improvement, but I like it better, if only because of principle and maaaaybe, just maybe, a little bit of bias.

Section 2

Twas the blackest of days to be at sea. The dark outside seemingly so endless that it might invade the cosy refuge of the ship’s hull, wherein sat all kinds of folk, from every corner of mystery; slowly being rocked into an uneasy sleep. Some of these folk quivered at the dark worlds might, whilst others paid it no mind, their own troubles seeming far louder.

Here, I believe the paragraph would read better if the first two sentences were combined with a comma rather than separated, especially because the second is a direct continuation of the first. Another thing that could be improved is the impotence of ‘invade’ here, which is sufficient to convey the author’s point but doesn’t really carry any threat or malignance, which in turn dilutes its impact. I also find the description of ‘cozy’ suspect since this is a medieval ship caught in a deific storm, which means leaking, overcrowding and a lot of turbulence. With these thoughts aired, and few others reserved for the post-edits dialogue…

—Twas the blackest of days to be at sea, the dark outside seemingly so endless it might invade the ship’s hull and consume all those within, folks from every corner of mystery. Some of these folk quivered… (ignore the continuation into next sentence, merely included for context.)

I deleted the ‘that’ as unnecessary (and because I think it reads better without.) I deleted ‘the cozy refuge’ because I feel the intent is passively conveyed via the word choice of ‘invade’ and ‘consume,’ and because I think that phrase mostly just clutters the sentence. I added the ‘consume all those within’ to give the ‘invade’ real bite and threat, which helps to emphasizes the author’s desired tone. Then I just shifted the ‘folks’ across the comma (although this does contrast the emphasized tone unpleasantly) so as to maintain the relevant information, then I deleted ‘slowly being rocked…’ because this is both unlikely (due to the aforementioned storm and living conditions) and because it blunts the storm’s presence without providing alternative value since it doesn’t really describe the passengers at all. The final thing to note is the ambiguity of ‘mystery,’ which doesn’t convey the author’s intent clearly enough.

For the final sentence of this paragraph…(Some of these folk quivered at the dark worlds might, whilst others paid it no mind, their own troubles seeming far louder.)…we might have to alter the ‘folks’ (either here or its predecessor) to avoid an echo. But, of greater concern is ‘dark worlds’ which is rather ambiguous. We don’t know what the author is referring to, whether it’s just the storm under a different name, or if they’re literally in a dark world (which is entirely possible in a fantasy novel.) It also needs the possessive apostrophe, and ‘these folk’ could possibly be reduced to ‘them.’ There is also a certain level of repetitiveness. How many times has the author mentioned the power of the world around them? If you say it correctly once, you don’t need to repeat yourself, and doing so becomes unnecessary inflation of the word count. I would consider deleting the immediately relevant phrase because of this, and because you don’t need it for comprehensibility. ‘Whilst’ can be deleted as unnecessary, and ‘seeming’ might benefit from being switched to ‘screaming’ or another verb (a more active word, a certain level of symmetry since the storm is ‘roaring’ and ‘seem’ has already been used.)

— Twas the blackest of days to be at sea, the dark outside seemingly so endless it might invade the ship’s hull and consume all those within, folks from every corner of mystery. Some of them quivered fearfully, others paid it no mind, their own troubles screaming far louder.—

The final sentence does feel a little incomplete since both ‘some’ and ‘others’ leave parts of the population unspoken for. The ‘might’ is also a weak transition but hard to fix. I also dislike the word ‘seemingly’ but understand it’s required because the storm is symbolic rather than inherently malicious.

Section 3

Yet through the darkness, the wizard did not fear, instead he removed a small satchel from around his waist, and upon placing it on the table, removed a red shard. Another crack filled the sky. “Tis but a passing thing” the wizard scoffed, twirling his long grey curls and rubbing his stubble.

Here, I would delete ‘through the darkness.’ It is unnecessary for comprehension and we don’t need to continuously belabor the reader with how dark it is at the moment. After that, we can do an easy efficiency change to the latter half of the sentence with…

—Yet, the wizard did not fear. Instead, he removed a small satchel from his waist, placed it on the table and extracted a red shard.—

This cuts ‘upon’ and streamlines the narrative so the prose isn’t tangled. I added the period after ‘fear’ because that separates the first part of the sentence, emphasizing it by converting it into a statement rather than a sentence. Deleted ‘around’ as unnecessary and switched to ‘extracted’ to avoid the double ‘removed’ and promote word variety.

For the rest of the paragraph, I would just delete ‘twirling his long grey curls and,’ since they’re mentioned again further on and are less easily removed there. And maybe substitute ‘filled’ for a more impactful word like ‘shook’ or ‘split.’ There also needs to be a comma after the dialogue since ‘scoffed’ serves as a speech designator here.

—Yet, the wizard did not fear. Instead, he removed a small satchel from his waist, placed it on the table and extracted a red shard. Another crack split the sky. “Tis but a passing thing” the wizard scoffed, rubbing his stubble.—

I don’t know why he’s scoffing here, since that’s usually an expression of contempt and he’s not deriding anyone, but we’ll leave it be.

Section 4

He began to pour over his little shard in wonder, ignoring the mighty storm outward. For as you will come to know, Farren, for that was his name; was by far the most inquisitive wizard you ever met; not to say that you ever will meet a wizard, for magic died long before the age of the printer. Curiosity he considered his trustworthy ally, though it often got him in trouble; but for once it was not his.

Here I would delete the mention of the storm (for the same reasons as above.) After that I would combine it with the next sentence.

— He began to pour over his little shard in wonder, for, as you will learn, Farren was by far the most inquisitive wizard you ever met.—

Deleted the explanation about his name since I believe it was unnecessary. Reduced ‘come to know’ to ‘learn’ because that is the exact word needed here. I think ‘you’ also needs to become ‘you’ll’ for grammar reasons since this is a present-tense novel.

After that, I would reduce ‘that you ever will’ to ‘you’ll ever.’ The next problem is the lack of transition from talking about the death magic back to current events and story. The author’s use of grammar aside, that section reads like an interruption, rendering the return to the narrative rocky. We can resolve this by starting a new paragraph, and I would also consider deleting ‘trustworthy’ as unnecessary (it’s implied in ‘ally.’)

The last change I’d make is converting the last semi-colon into a period and the ensuing sentence to “This time, however, it wasn’t his.” To reduce the number of ‘for’s in this sequence. I also think its reads better.

— He began to pour over his little shard in wonder, for, as you will learn, Farren was by far the most inquisitive wizard you ever met; not to say you’ll ever meet a wizard, since magic died long before the age of the printer.

In general, Farren considered curiosity his ally, though it often got him into trouble. This time, however, it wasn’t his.—

Switched to ‘since’ to reduce another ‘for’ and added ‘in general’ for the sake of rhythm. We could also reduce ‘the age of the printer’ to ‘the printer’s invention.’

Section 5

A merchant sitting at a table nearby, was attempting to spy on the wizard, in the hopes he presented something ripe for swindling. However, the merchant found that no amount of fidgeting or wriggling in his chair, gave him a vantage point from which to see past the wizard’s cape and long curly hair. The suspense of a tidy profit eventually became too much for the merchant, who throwing all subtlety aside queried the stranger, “A mischievous merchant cannot help but wonder, what secrets does such a bag hide from the eye?”

This section just has a little general wordiness, and several misplaced commas. For the first sentence, delete both commas and replace ‘he presented’ for ‘of.’

— A merchant sitting at a table nearby was attempting to spy on the wizard in the hopes of something ripe for swindling.—

For the next sentence, I would change ‘however’ to ‘unfortunately (since we recently used ‘however’) and delete ‘the merchant found’ as unnecessary. After that, I would reduce ‘fidgeting or wriggling’ to one word since that’s all you need and then delete ‘in his chair’ since we already know he’s seated. Then I would reduce ‘gave him a vantage point from which’ to ‘permitted him’ just because it’s a lot less wordy and will read better because of it.

—Unfortunately, no amount of wriggling permitted him to see past the wizard’s cape and long curly hair.—

For the next sentence, I would replace ‘became too much for’ with ‘overpowered/overwhelmed’ add a comma after ‘who’ and replace ‘throwing all subtly aside’ with ‘discarding all subtly.’ ‘Queried’ also needs to be ‘queries’ because this is a present tense story, and I would delete ‘the stranger’ since we know the target of his question.

—The suspense of a tidy profit eventually overwhelms the merchant, who, discarding all subtlety, queries, “A mischievous merchant cannot help but wonder what secrets does such a bag hide from the eye?”

I think that’s all of my changes, now just to combine them…

— Outside, thunder subjugates the sea with a deafening roar, and even the rain seems to cower when the lightning sparks its world-blinding wrath.

Twas the blackest of days to be at sea, the dark outside seemingly so endless it might invade the ship’s hull and consume all those within, folks from every corner of mystery. Some of them quiver fearfully, others paid it no mind, their own troubles screaming far louder.

Yet, the wizard did not fear. Instead, he removed a small satchel from his waist, placed it on the table and extracted a red shard. Another crack split the sky. “Tis but a passing thing,” the wizard scoffed, rubbing his stubble.

He began to pour over his little shard in wonder, for, as you will learn, Farren was by far the most inquisitive wizard you’ll ever meet; not that you’ll ever meet a wizard, since magic died long before the age of the printer.

In general, Farren considered curiosity his ally, though it often got him into trouble. This time, however, it wasn’t his. A merchant sat at a table nearby, attempting to spy on him in the hopes of something ripe for swindling. Unfortunately, no amount of wriggling permitted him to see past the wizard’s cape and long curly hair. The suspense of a tidy profit eventually overwhelms the merchant, who, discarding all subtlety, queries, “A mischievous merchant cannot help but wonder what secrets does such a bag hide from the eye?”—

Just a few minor changes to the last paragraph. I changed ‘was sitting’ to ‘sat’ (for the active, word reduction and less INGs in that section.) I switched ‘the wizard’ to ‘him’ because it’s smoother to read and the clarification is unnecessary.

That’ll be all for today. If you like what you’ve read, maybe check out some of the author’s other work. https://www.writing.com/main/portfolio/view/grandwizard

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